Even If Not

I've learned many lessons and been reminded of many things during our journey through infertility. One of the biggest things I have really had to come to terms with and what inspired the name for my blog is this: even if not, God is still good. While I've always proudly proclaimed "God is good all the time," it wasn't until this trial that I've really had to check my heart to make sure those weren't just words coming out of my mouth. I've learned that it's SO easy to say God is good but to truly believe that, no matter what your circumstances are, is a completely different story. 

When I think about our situation, there are so many what ifs and they change on the daily with every new procedure or result or plan for the future. What if this test comes back and there's something else wrong? What if my husband stops producing sperm? What if we can never afford to do any further treatments? What if we seek out an adoption and it falls through? What if all of our friends get pregnant before we do? What if we have to try for 10 more years? What if we NEVER get to have a family? 

On the morning of our second IUI, we had to be up and ready bright and early. I knew I would want to be comfortable so I threw on some leggings and a tshirt and headed for the car. On the way there, I opened Facebook and the first thing I saw was a memory of a post of mine from a year ago that day. I had posted a picture that said "and if not, He is still good." I showed Aaron and told him how fitting it was, not only because of what we were facing that day, but also because, coincidentally, the shirt I had put on said "even if not, God is still good." I didn't really think much else about it until I got a message from a sweet girl I have never met telling me a little about her battle with infertility. She told me she was praying for us and about a saying that she said over and over during hard times in her life. I think my jaw just about hit the floorboard when I read what she had typed next, "and if not, He is still good." I felt myself tearing up and overcome with peace about what was to come. The Lord truly gave me a reminder on a day that would've been easy to forget that at the end of that day, no matter the outcome, He would still be good.

We got to the office and went through the check-in process, Aaron gave his sample, we waited a while and then they finally took us back for the procedure. The nurse is the one that actually does the insemination so I didn't expect to see either of our doctors. I was shocked when the newer of the two doctors we see opened the door and said hello to us. She then proceeded to say that Aaron's count was low but we already knew that. I quickly said "how low?" and I about fell off the exam table when she responded, "Four." FOUR SPERM? I didn't even know they could count that low when it came to something like this.. I guess she could see the panic in my face because she continued with "like four million." I immediately turned and gave Aaron a high five and a "GO TEAM!" The doctor reminded us that this was still very low and it was only two million after the "wash" but I was quick to let her know that last time it was 500 thousand and this was a HUGE victory for us. We left the office that day feeling extra positive and so hopeful that this would be the end to our infertility and anxiously waited out the next two weeks.

Yesterday was the day that we should've gotten our positive. The day that I could've shared the happiest of moments with my husband as we rejoiced over our answered prayer. Unfortunately, that was not the case and this IUI didn't work out any differently than the first.

Although I sit here with yet another negative pregnancy test and I've cried more tears than I thought was physically possible, I know it's going to be okay. I'm here reminding myself, that even on our hardest days, even if we never get to have a baby, whether it be through adoption or biological or however, God is still good.