Choosing to Share Our Journey

Making the decision to share our story wasn't an easy one. It was something we talked about and I really prayed about as we faced the first several months of our journey. At first, I was very hesitant. I imagined the judgement and hurtful comments that would come from those around us. I thought about the strain it would put on our relationship with friends that didn't have trouble getting pregnant or already had children. The more I thought about it, the pros outweighed the cons.

I was tired of the questions. Anyone who knows Aaron and I, knows that we LOVE kids so the longer we had been married with no exciting news of a baby on the way, the more questions we got asked. "When are y'all gonna have a baby?" "No baby yet?" "When are you going to give them a grandbaby?" "How long have you been married? It's time for some babies, isn't it?" "Do you guys not want kids?" It seriously was never-ending. I figured if we made it public knowledge that we were having so much trouble, people would back off a little bit and it worked. Our intentions weren't to make people feel bad for asking us those questions, but to make them aware of the desire in our hearts that we were trying so desperately to fulfill.

I felt so alone. It's amazing how you never really pay attention to things until it's something you can't have. When we first found out how low our chances of conceiving naturally were, it seemed as if everyone and their sister was announcing they were pregnant or posting a picture welcoming their precious newborn into the world. Though I had Aaron walking this road with me, our emotions and coping mechanisms were so different. I felt like I was failing as a woman and as a wife. I just knew that there weren't any other couples our age struggling with infertility. It wasn't until we shared with our community that I found my own circle of women who were facing the same thing and learned just how common infertility actually is.

I wanted to encourage others. Like I said, I felt alone, so I knew others had to feel that way, too. There are lots of women that share their story of infertility AFTER they have their miracle baby. Why? Because it's easy. It's easy to hold a baby in your hands and tell how you overcame the waiting, all the money spent, and the hard times it took to get there. It's when you're in the midst of your battle, when you don't know the outcome, that it's the hardest to keep going. Infertility brings so many negative emotions. Bitterness. Jealousy. Depression. Disappointment. Confusion. Anger. We're all human and learning how to deal with those feelings isn't easy but it gets easier when you have someone to help you, especially when that someone is trying to learn, too. While infertility is a difficult time in life that can bring so much sadness, I wanted to let others know that you can find joy in the wait. Even when it seems that another negative pregnancy test would cause your whole world to crumble, there are others out there who can pick you up off the ground, brush you off, and help you stand until you are able to stand on your own again.

I knew that we could bring God glory through our trials. The bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, "whether therefore you eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God." Infertility became our "whatsoever ye do" so why shouldn't we use it for Him? I knew if we shared our story, we would be able to share our faith with countless people and tell the world just how great our God is, on the good days and the bad.

We needed all the prayers we could get. There's just something so comforting about knowing you have lots of people praying for you. We didn't know how long this journey would be, and we still don't, but there were days that I didn't think I could keep going and the only thing that got me through was getting a text that said "I'm praying for you." Sharing our story has brought us so many additional people to pray for us and really bear our burden with us and that alone has been so humbling.

We don't know what path we will take next or what our future may look like. We don't know if we will seek adoption or IVF or something completely different. We don't know if we will have to work three jobs a piece or do fundraisers to afford what comes next.
What we do know is that by telling others about our struggles, we've gained so many new friends and come to realize that we're not alone. We've felt so much love and been given so many kind words to hold on to by people all around us, some we've known forever and some we've never met. We've learned so much about how to encourage others and all about gratitude. Most importantly, we've been able to talk to people about the Lord that we wouldn't have gotten to otherwise.

They say it takes an army to raise a child and, for Aaron and I, it's taking an army to help get us to one. Thank you for being part of our army and supporting our decision to share our journey.

Brittany Cook Photography

Even If Not

I've learned many lessons and been reminded of many things during our journey through infertility. One of the biggest things I have really had to come to terms with and what inspired the name for my blog is this: even if not, God is still good. While I've always proudly proclaimed "God is good all the time," it wasn't until this trial that I've really had to check my heart to make sure those weren't just words coming out of my mouth. I've learned that it's SO easy to say God is good but to truly believe that, no matter what your circumstances are, is a completely different story. 

When I think about our situation, there are so many what ifs and they change on the daily with every new procedure or result or plan for the future. What if this test comes back and there's something else wrong? What if my husband stops producing sperm? What if we can never afford to do any further treatments? What if we seek out an adoption and it falls through? What if all of our friends get pregnant before we do? What if we have to try for 10 more years? What if we NEVER get to have a family? 

On the morning of our second IUI, we had to be up and ready bright and early. I knew I would want to be comfortable so I threw on some leggings and a tshirt and headed for the car. On the way there, I opened Facebook and the first thing I saw was a memory of a post of mine from a year ago that day. I had posted a picture that said "and if not, He is still good." I showed Aaron and told him how fitting it was, not only because of what we were facing that day, but also because, coincidentally, the shirt I had put on said "even if not, God is still good." I didn't really think much else about it until I got a message from a sweet girl I have never met telling me a little about her battle with infertility. She told me she was praying for us and about a saying that she said over and over during hard times in her life. I think my jaw just about hit the floorboard when I read what she had typed next, "and if not, He is still good." I felt myself tearing up and overcome with peace about what was to come. The Lord truly gave me a reminder on a day that would've been easy to forget that at the end of that day, no matter the outcome, He would still be good.

We got to the office and went through the check-in process, Aaron gave his sample, we waited a while and then they finally took us back for the procedure. The nurse is the one that actually does the insemination so I didn't expect to see either of our doctors. I was shocked when the newer of the two doctors we see opened the door and said hello to us. She then proceeded to say that Aaron's count was low but we already knew that. I quickly said "how low?" and I about fell off the exam table when she responded, "Four." FOUR SPERM? I didn't even know they could count that low when it came to something like this.. I guess she could see the panic in my face because she continued with "like four million." I immediately turned and gave Aaron a high five and a "GO TEAM!" The doctor reminded us that this was still very low and it was only two million after the "wash" but I was quick to let her know that last time it was 500 thousand and this was a HUGE victory for us. We left the office that day feeling extra positive and so hopeful that this would be the end to our infertility and anxiously waited out the next two weeks.

Yesterday was the day that we should've gotten our positive. The day that I could've shared the happiest of moments with my husband as we rejoiced over our answered prayer. Unfortunately, that was not the case and this IUI didn't work out any differently than the first.

Although I sit here with yet another negative pregnancy test and I've cried more tears than I thought was physically possible, I know it's going to be okay. I'm here reminding myself, that even on our hardest days, even if we never get to have a baby, whether it be through adoption or biological or however, God is still good.