Making It Public

Infertility is a road that feels so lonely. You rarely hear people talk about it, especially when they're in the middle of it, so it's easy to think you're the only one having to deal with all the trials and emotions it can bring. In addition to feeling alone, anyone that has gone through infertility knows how attacking the questions people ask about when and how many children you'll have can feel.

I kid you not when I tell you that on our wedding day, we had someone ask us when we were going to have children. I mean, really? On our wedding day? We had barely even had time to scarf down some cake as husband and wife, there was no way we had had time to contemplate such an important life decision. Of course, on our wedding day we didn't have the slightest idea of what trying to grow our family would look like, but it still left me without words for a bit as I tried to think of kind response.

Everyone that knows Aaron and I knows how much we love kids so the more time that passed, the more the questions rolled in. My parents did foster care for many years and have adopted six (yes, six) kids, in addition to myself and my two biological siblings, so for me to have a big family was expected. 

We had kept everything about growing our family private until several months in. It wasn't until we started to discover that we both had issues that we started telling some of our family and closest friends and it was such a relief to finally let them in on what we had been going through. From the day we told them, they became our go to for support and prayer and we're so blessed to have them with us every step of the way.

After our appointment at UNC, I felt the seriousness of our situation start to sink in. I started to realize that it could be months and months or even years before we'd get pregnant. It could cost us thousands of dollars and we may not ever get to have a biological child. Coincidentally, the week of our appointment at UNC was National Infertility Awareness Week so I figured there was no better time to share what we were going through with everyone around us. I knew that God had given us this situation for a reason and it was so clear to me that we could use it to be an encouragement and an example to others that are fighting the same fight.

Though it was such a vulnerable time, I'm so thankful that we took that chance. Within minutes of posting about our story, the amount of people that reached out to us to let us know that we weren't alone was incredible. People from throughout different times in our lives told us their story of infertility and how they had overcome. Any amount of fear or feeling of being looked down on was erased by the overwhelming amount of love we were shown.

Since making our story public, we have had more couples than we can count share their journey and couples that are still in the midst of their battle have asked us to help them pray as they're praying for us. As we were looking to encourage others, we've been encouraged ourselves and continue to find opportunities to tell people about how good our God is, even on our worst days.

For those of you reading this that are in the middle of the struggles of infertility and haven't talked to someone about it, please do it. Whether it's me, a complete stranger, or a close friend, just having someone to vent to will help you tremendously. You'll be surprised at the large community of women that have been where you are and are more than willing to be a listening ear or a crying shoulder. Most importantly, talk to God about it because He already knows and already has a plan.

Less Than 1%

On April 25th, 2018, we journeyed a little over three hours from our home to Raleigh, North Carolina. Aaron had to be at the UNC Fertility clinic early the next morning so we decided to stay nearby instead of making the trip in the wee hours of the morning.

Both of our stomachs were in knots as we ate breakfast in mostly silence and then made our way to the clinic. When we first arrived, we were very impressed by the facility itself and it's staff. Everyone was very friendly and the building was beautiful. The waiting room was full of couples in different stages of their fertility battle from others like ourselves to pregnant bellies to the lucky ones with their sweet bundle of joy. We were loaded down with new patient paperwork as we waited to hear our name called out.
When they called us back, Aaron was to give a sperm sample (woohoo, he loves those) that would not only be analyzed but would also be used as our back-up frozen sample in case Aaron is to stop producing before we've finished growing our family biologically.
This was the first time Aaron had been required to give a sample on location which we both were glad to have avoided up until this point. The lady at the lab window directed us to "ROOM #2" right across the hall from where she stood. All I could hear in my head was "should I stay or should I go" as we opened the door to find a paper covered couch, a T.V., a sink, and very specific instructions taped to the wall. I'll leave it at that and just say boy, was this whole experience awkward.
Once we had completed this portion of the day and as if it weren't enough torture, poor Aaron had to give several vials of blood. After they had gathered everything they needed they sent us on our way until our appointment with the doctor later that afternoon. It was nice to get away from there for a bit but we both just wanted time to hurry along so we could hear what the doctor had to say. We got lunch and headed back to that same waiting room to wait one more time for our name to be called out.

When we heard our name this time, the doctor himself stood in the doorway and welcomed us back to his office. As we entered in and found a seat he confidently assured us that he would be able to help us with a fairly simple fix. He called down to the lab and got Aaron's results from the sample he had given earlier that day as we sat there anxiously awaiting him to hang up the phone. The doctor's assurance of being able to help us then changed to "there's nothing I can do" in a matter of minutes. He was expecting that Aaron had a blockage or just wasn't releasing sperm, either of which would be easily corrected with surgery, but this wasn't the case.
Turns out, Aaron's numbers were higher than they had been any other time and they were able to freeze five good samples for us to keep stored there which was good news, or so they say. The doctor proceeded to tell us more about Y-Chromosome Microdeletion and answer any questions that we had. He reiterated that Aaron wouldn't see any other health issues from it but did inform us that our sons would, unfortunately, have this same condition since they would receive their Y chromosome from him. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy so to think we would pass it on to our sons was terrible news.

As we sat there and listened to the doctor throw out all of the different factors in our chances of reproducing, most of it went in one ear and out the other because we had heard it all before. The one thing he said that grabbed every ounce of our attention was as follows, "based on everything we know about Y-Chromosome Microdeletion, you guys have less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally." LESS THAN ONE PERCENT. Now, I know we serve a mighty, mighty God and we are firm believers that He can work great miracles with our less than 1%, but put yourself in our shoes for just one second. Here we are, mid-twenties, healthy (or so we thought), just trying to fulfill the most natural desire of having a family and all of a sudden we're looking at less than 1% chance of making that happen. Talk about feeling like you've been hit by a bus.

The doctor then told us that we were perfect candidates for IVF or we could consider IUI with a sperm donor or adopting an embryo. He gave us packets of information on each option, each one costing thousands of dollars and seeming to have more cons than pros. He let us know that he would be sending a follow up report back to our fertility specialist saying that he recommended that we move forward with IVF.

We left there having traveled a long way, having paid a lot of money, and having been told a lot of bad news.

Y-Chromosome Micro-What?

After our last appointment fiasco, we were both dreading going back to our fertility specialist. Unfortunately, that was the only way we were going to get any answers.

Based on the labs that Aaron had done, our doctor knew that whatever was causing his problem was likely to be genetic. She said that in a normal male reproductive system, the brain tells the testes to produce sperm, the testes send a signal to the brain letting it know that they've done their job, and the cycle repeats. In Aaron's case, his brain is telling his body to produce, but it's as if his body doesn't hear the command. This is causing his brain to "yell" which then kicks his body into production mode sending the signal to the brain to say it's done what it should have. His brain then goes back to using its "inside voice" leading him to stop producing again. This is why his sperm count was fluctuating with each sample they had tested. The worst part? Over time, the response that his brain gets from his body will become less and less. Eventually, no matter how hard his brain works, it will not be able to get a response AT ALL from his testes, meaning he will no longer produce sperm. Let me just tell you, when you have a strong desire to become a mother, that is more than enough to make your heart sink to the floor.

Our doctor gave us two specific orders and made it clear that both were very important. She wanted Aaron to be tested for two different genetic conditions and she was also sending a referral to a male fertility urologist at UNC. She requested that Aaron get the labs done and an appointment scheduled at his earliest convenience. In addition, we were told that when we got there for our consultation, Aaron was to give a sample that we could have frozen as a back up. Her reasoning was understandable and also hard to swallow.
You see, with Aaron's condition, it is certain that he will stop producing sperm but when or how long it will be until that happens is unknown. He could stop producing tomorrow or it may be 10 years from now but all we can do is prepare for the worst case scenario.
So, we did what we were told.

I'm sure you can recall the horrible day that I checked Aaron's MyChart.. The results I read on the way to my appointment that day were the results that confirmed everything my doctor told us that she had thought to be true. My husband does have a genetic condition that would eventually cause him to stop producing sperm. 
The next few days were flooded with emails and phone calls containing words and phrases such as "ASAP", "quickly", and "sooner rather than later." We tried not to panic but it was all such a whirlwind of emotions and uncertainty of what the future of the family we longed to have could look like.

Aaron's condition is called Y-Chromosome Microdeletion. Our doctor threw out a bunch of big words and medical terms but it all boiled down to the simple explanation I just gave you of his brain and testes not communicating as they should. Thankfully, this condition will not affect any other aspects of his health but is obviously having a substantial impact on our ability to reproduce.

Now that we had the test results back, some idea of what we were facing, and a fear that Aaron might stop producing sperm at any moment, it felt as if our appointment at UNC couldn't come fast enough.

WHAT A DAY!

It is so fascinating to me how my dear husband can remember what kind of wheels a truck had that passed us three years ago going 75 mph or exactly how many squirrels he saw when he was deer huntin' on a random day last fall, but when it comes to the important things, you might as well not have even wasted your breath to tell him 15 times. I guess we will chalk this one up to just being a man thing and I guess I should cut him a break and you'll understand why by the end of this post.

After a single night of recovery from my HSG, it was time to tackle the next test I needed to have done. This one was called a saline infusion sonohysterography, but some people refer to it as a water ultrasound. The process for this was very similar to the HSG, except instead of dye, they filled my uterus with saline. It was basically just another way for them to make sure that my uterus looked healthy inside. This one was performed by our fertility specialist in her office which was a little more comforting. Also, Aaron got to take me to this appointment so knowing I'd have him there with me made me feel a lot better about it.

On the way to the doctor's office, I was asking Aaron if he had heard anything about his genetic tests being back. He said no, but it had been long enough for him to have gotten results so I asked him if he had checked his MyChart. (When they first told him to set this account up, he never did. I finally did it for him months after so that our doctor could send him things there. This is where that remembering important things would've been helpful.) Of course, he said he hadn't so I pulled it up while he was driving. I learned quickly this was a terrible idea because he actually had received his results. I won't go into detail in this post but let's just say that they weren't good. I immediately started crying and couldn't even think about going in for this procedure.

By the time we arrived at the office, I had barely composed myself enough to walk in with a fake smile. They took us back to the room and completed the test. Let me just say, this test was SO PAINFUL for me which I definitely wasn't prepared for. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but Aaron said he could see it in my face that I was hurting pretty badly. I had tears rolling down my cheeks and at one point I felt like I couldn't breathe from the pain being so intense. Luckily, it was over fairly quickly and once again everything checked out okay.
I promise I'm not making up any part of what I'm about to tell you happened next.  

Once we were all done, I sat up on the edge of the table. Aaron was sitting in a rolly chair behind me to my left, where he had been for the entire procedure. My doctor asked if we had seen her emails about Aaron's results and I told her how I opened them on the way to the appointment and had a breakdown over it. She consoled me for a moment and then began telling us a few things about Aaron's sperm count. I was taking in every word and completely focused on her.

The next thing I remember was looking at my doctor and her eyes were locked on something behind me. Aaron wasn't saying a word (which is unusual) so I figured I'd turn around and see what she was looking at. I couldn't even get turned around before I felt something hit the back of my shoulder and my doctor started yelling for help. AARON HAD PASSED OUT. I thought for sure he was dying or something but all I could do was repeat "Aaron, Aaron, are you okay?"
So... here I am, sitting on the table, nothing but a sheet from the waist down, and my husband is passed out behind me in a rolly chair. My doctor is a pretty small lady and all the other women that came in at her desperate call for help were her height or shorter. Now we have three tiny little nurses and doctors trying to get my 6'3" husband out of the chair and into the floor. They hook him up to vitals as he comes to and make him sit there and eat crackers while they check his blood pressure several times over a course of 20 minutes or so. (Now do you see why I said I should cut him a break?)
I'm pretty sure no one in the room knew whether to laugh or cry. They assured us that this wasn't the first time that a man had passed out over a conversation about their own body but I know we gave them a pretty good panic attack to start their day. 

Aaron was just fine by the time we left there. We're guessing the combination of over-thinking the conversation, him getting overheated from the sweatshirt he was wearing, and the fact that he hadn't had much to eat that day were all to blame. 

Also, I took him to Chick-Fil-A after that appointment because there's not many things that some Chick-n-Mini's can't fix. Thank God for Chick-Fil-A.

Looking back now it gives us a good laugh and he's always a good sport. 
♡♡Thanks babe for being my biggest supporter and making this my most enjoyable post yet.

The Dreaded HSG

While we impatiently awaited Aaron's genetic test results, we knocked out a few more of the tests that I needed to have done. There were two procedures that they needed to complete that would ensure that all of my parts were free from any growths or blockages. They scheduled these tests on back to back days so that we could get them out of the way.

First on the list was something called a hysterosalpingogram. 

This is an outpatient procedure completed by radiology to determine if the shape of a woman's uterus is normal and if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. A catheter is inserted into the uterus and then the uterus is filled with dye. If everything is working properly, the dye will fill the uterine cavity, flow through the tubes, and spill out into the pelvic cavity. 

When I had the test scheduled, my doctor gave me all the details and told me to take 800mg of ibuprofen an hour before my appointment which made me worry that it was going to be painful. I'm the type that likes to know what I'm about to endure so silly me googled HSG and read all the posts about what it was like for other women. BIG MISTAKE. Though some of them said it wasn't that bad there seemed to be lots more that talked about how miserable it was.
To top it off, the test was scheduled for a day that Aaron couldn't get off from work and at this point, only a handful of people knew we were going through all of this infertility testing. That left only a few people that I could call on to tag along with me and most of them had to work. I was definitely on the verge of full on panic mode but kept reminding myself that God wouldn't leave me, especially not in the midst of my trials.
He definitely didn't and I truly know that He has His hand in the smallest of situations.

I ended up having someone to go with me AND the procedure wasn't painful at all. It was uncomfortable, of course, but it actually turned out to be pretty neat. The radiologist let me watch the x-ray screen the entire time and told me exactly what we were seeing each step of the way. I got to watch the dye spread just as they told me it would and it was over within a matter of minutes. The best part? Everything looked A-Okay. I had no blockages in my tubes and my uterus looked just as it should.

I left there feeling a sense of relief but also a bit nervous for what the next day might bring.. 

RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist

When our Reproductive Endocrinologist's office called to schedule our initial consultation, they gave me two options. I could come in in 6 months which is when their next available opening would be or I could fill the cancellation they had for the next day. In my mind, there was only one real choice, so I called Aaron and told him he had to take the next day off and (because he's so wonderful) he did without any hesitation. 

Going to any new doctor is intimidating but I felt extremely overwhelmed by this appointment and when I say I was overwhelmed, it was so noticeable that my blood pressure was up when the nurse checked my vitals. I had so many emotions all at the same time and honestly, I still feel most of them every time I visit my RE. I was so excited to hopefully get on the right track to having a baby, nervous about what she might find or tell us and how much everything might cost, and worried that maybe this doctor wouldn't be a good match for us. I prayed and prayed and prayed a little more for this appointment.

(Let me just throw this in for those of you that live near me, this office is wonderful. The receptionist and the nurses are all so sweet and my doctor is incredibly knowledgeable. I would love to give you their information, so feel free to contact me.)

Basically our first appointment was just a whole lot of information. My doctor explained in more detail what PCOS was and the things we could do to help it. She looked over all of our test results from our previous doctors and gave us a list of things we should have checked next. I had to have additional blood work done and Aaron had to do ANOTHER semen analysis.
When those results came in, we went back to review them with her. She found that Aaron had more sperm than the first two samples had shown, which was good news. Unfortunately though, his count was still extremely low. Based on the numbers from those three samples, his count was below 5 million per milliliter. That sounds like a lot, I know, but let me put it into perspective for you: a normal sperm count range is usually anywhere from 20 million to 150 million per milliliter.

Remember the analysis Aaron did for the urologist? The nurse finally called Aaron TWO MONTHS LATER, to let him know that his sperm seemed to move well and looked healthy.. what about the count, you ask? She didn't even mention it and we were so done with that office that we didn't even bother to ask. 

Our RE decided the best thing to do next would be to send Aaron to have some genetic testing done since everything seemed to be okay aside from his count.
Genetic testing is far from cheap and sounds so intimidating so my mind automatically began to imagine all the terrible possibilities those results might bring us..  

Fertility Testing for Him

Any couple that has gone through fertility testing knows what a joy it is and I say that with 110% sarcasm.

By this point in my life, I was quickly adjusting to being poked and prodded all the time but Aaron seemed to get the easy end of this whole process. I had blood work after blood work and one ultrasound after another. When my testing was put on pause and my doctor said that we should have Aaron checked, I could immediately imagine how he would react.. but I'm not gonna lie, I was secretly glad it was his turn.

I can say one thing for sure, the words semen analysis will NEVER be found on our list of favorite experiences during this journey. They sent me home with the specimen cup and paperwork for Aaron and, needless to say, he wasn't excited about it. I didn't think it sounded too terribly awful but then again, it wasn't me that had to.. well.. you know..

Once he had dropped everything off at the lab, we both felt relieved. Me because I hated feeling like I was forcing him to do something that made him uncomfortable and him because he thought this would be the first and last time he had to deal with something so awkward. Every single part of me was hoping that the fact that he would never have to do that again would be our reality but unfortunately that was not the case.
Like I mentioned in my last post, the doctor called and let him know that she saw no sperm. That's right, NO sperm. Zero. She thought surely this was a fluke and asked that he give another sample to be tested right away. The second sample came back with a little bit better of a result. There were, in fact, some sperm, just not very many of them.
My OB/GYN recommended that Aaron see a urologist since that was beyond her field of expertise. She also recommended that we see a fertility specialist at this point because even though she could help with my issues, us both having reproductive problems made our situation all the more complicated. I'd like to say that I held up well during the appointment where she told us that news but by the time I left the building, I was in the midst of my first emotional fit over our situation. We didn't seem to have much of a choice so we went ahead with her advice. Aaron scheduled an appointment with a local urologist and my OB/GYN sent a recommendation to the closest Reproductive Urologist.

Poor Aaron went to see the urologist and had to have a physical examination. Everything checked out okay, but the whole appointment was just a disaster. The doctor wasn't very professional and Aaron was not a fan at all. These types of appointments are very invasive of your personal space so to not even like the doctor you're seeing, makes it so much worse. If Aaron weren't such a sweet, loving, family-desiring man, I know he would've just given up after this appointment.

He then had to do ANOTHER (yes, this makes 3) semen analysis and to make it worse, we waited TWO MONTHS before we got the results..

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes.. Infertility?

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

-Genesis 1:28

BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY.
Seems like a pretty easy command, huh? Well, I thought so too..

I'm pretty sure I had never even heard the word INFERTILITY until I asked Dr. Google why we couldn't seem to get pregnant.
After several months of trying, I began to worry that something was terribly wrong with me. I noticed weight gain that was hard (nearly impossible) to get rid of, my face was more broken out than a teenagers, my periods were so irregular, and I noticed facial hair growth that wasn't there before. (Not to mention I was SO moody, bless my poor husband's heart). I read article after article and all signs pointed to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome but I stayed in a state of denial.

I scheduled both Aaron and myself an appointment with our family doctor who then tested everything she could think of. My biggest concern was my thyroid levels but they came back just fine so I decided to schedule an appointment with my OB/GYN. When I went in and explained everything I was experiencing to her, she simply responded with "just keep taking your prenatals, you're young, it'll happen eventually." WHAT? Anyone who has tried any amount of time to have a baby can probably vouch for the amount of frustration I felt in that moment.

There was no better time to find a new doctor so I did my research and found a highly recommended OB/GYN in our area. Unfortunately, she was booked out for about 6 months. I went ahead and made an appointment but didn't want to wait that long to get some answers so I then made an appointment with yet another OB/GYN, hoping she would at least point us in the right direction. The second doctor I saw gave me some (awful) medication to make my period start each month which was a good start but still didn't help us get pregnant.

FINALLY, my appointment rolled around to see the doctor I had been trying to get in with and I'm so thankful that I went to see her. I knew exactly what she was going to find but I trusted that God would have his hand in whatever my condition may be. After lots of bloodwork and a transvaginal ultrasound, it was confirmed that I did have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'm glad that I had already self-diagnosed myself because the news didn't hit me as hard as it would have otherwise.

For those of you who don't know about PCOS, it's a hormonal disorder that can make it very difficult to conceive and comes with lots of other side effects, none of which are the least bit enjoyable. I took that for what it was and called Aaron to tell him what they found and to deliver the bad news that she wanted him to do a semen analysis.

So here we are, 10 months into trying for a baby, we just found out that I have PCOS, and she calls with Aaron's results. The analysis showed NO SPERM.

LET'S HAVE A BABY!

I'm pretty sure I grew up in the most fertile town in Virginia. The words "accidentally pregnant" were the norm and we heard "it's in the water" every time we found out yet another girl was pregnant. Movies and Sex Ed joked that if you so much as kiss a boy, you'll get pregnant. So why would I expect it to be any more complicated than that?

In the fall of 2016, Aaron and I decided we would start not-not-trying for a baby. When it happens, it happens. We weren't in any rush.
So I stopped the dreadful birth control pill and we started this new journey, not knowing what was to come would be far worse than the crazy hormones birth control induced.
I'm not sure what filled up faster, my imagination or my Pinterest boards. I had always dreamed of being a mom and LOVED babies. I just couldn't wait to see the look on everyone's face when we told them we were expecting. The thought of us becoming a family of 3 and seeing Aaron holding a sweet little human overflowed my heart with joy.
Excitement spread over me like wildfire when my period was late just two months after stopping the pill. It seemed too good to be true.
It was almost Thanksgiving and we were in the midst of all the holiday chaos, so I tried to just ignore it. Besides, I'd know for sure if I were pregnant eventually, right?
I was bursting at the seams to tell someone what was going on though, so I shared my uncertainty and anxiousness with a cousin at our family's Thanksgiving dinner. She, of course, was so happy for us, convinced me to take a test when I got home and wanted to know immediately what the results were. The excitement of the idea of a new baby was clearly contagious. Her, Aaron, and myself were all a little let down when my period started just a few days later, but we all knew God would send us our baby when the time was right.

The feeling of not knowing if it would be our month for success was fun for the first few months. I had saved every pregnancy announcement idea I could find in hopes that we'd be needing them soon. At the time, it all seemed so exciting and each month brought new optimism. I thought positive things about the empty time we had spent trying, such as how those months we didn't get pregnant left us time to get things done around the house. It also gave us a little extra time for just the two of us since we were still newlyweds.

What I wasn't prepared for was seeing those negative tests that would happen over and over, month after month..

Where It All Began

YOU + ME

My husband, Aaron, and I went on our first date on June 4th, 2013. You know that one person that catches your eye but you don't think you would ever have a chance with? He was that person for me so when he first acknowledged me, I thought I was dreaming. We spent a lot of time together that summer and he truly became my best friend. On November 10th, 2013 he asked me to be his girlfriend and then on June 6th, 2015 to be his wife.

(Top)The first picture we ever took together and the day he asked me to be his girlfriend
(Bottom) Our engagement day

We spent the next year (almost) enjoying (and I was stressing over) all of the ends and outs of wedding planning and buying a house. We were so excited to start our life together. As any bride can tell you, our wedding day came too fast but not fast enough. We tied the knot on May 14th, 2016. Everyone always told me that the day would fly by and they weren't kidding. Before I knew it we were off on our first adventure as Mr. and Mrs. 

Since our wedding day, we welcomed a rambunctious chocolate lab into our family that never leaves us with a dull moment. Really though, he probably deserves his own blog. There are too many crazy stories and I wouldn't even know where to begin. He is a close race for the most rowdy between him and the teenagers we lead in our church youth group. Outside of our boring nine to five jobs, Easton and the teens are our lives and they always keep us on our toes.

Our life seemed to be smooth sailing and we are beyond blessed. Unfortunately, we hit rough waters when we felt it was the right time for us to try and grow our family.

This is where our infertility story begins..